Cosi fan tutte

How to stop parents from asking - advice column

2008-01-28T08:49:20Z

A translation from my Japanese column.

Dear M.N.,
I divorced my husband last month, and my parents still keep asking me the reason of the divorce. I really don't want to explain the details. How can I stop my parents from asking me the question?
A Single-Woman-Now

Dear Single-Woman,
Tell them, "I'm getting married!"
M.N.

The level of tolerance

2008-01-25T16:05:28Z

The Japanese are more tolerant, I guess. Enjoy this crazy show:

This guy, Hard Gay, is a comedian, and straight, and has a beautiful wife.

Hello from 2008

2007-12-31T15:10:03Z

A Happy New Year, people in 2007. We are already in 2008 here in Tokyo!
Catch up!

Trigonometry

2007-12-01T12:53:26Z

Hikaru, my sister's 15 year-old daughter, will have the final exams starting on Monday. So, I tutored her mathematics - trigonometry. I was very glad I still remembered things like "laws of cosines and sines".

Hikaru not only studied, but also had lunch, afternoon tea & cake, and dinner that were all prepared by me. Am I such a nice uncle?

A conversation at the barber shop

2007-11-15T02:23:15Z

"How would you like your hair done?"
"Make it as fresh as spring time. I want to feel like spring."
"Sir, the winter is just ahead of us."
"Ok, then, make me feel like fall."
"You make me confused."

Obviously she was not enjoying the conversation.

"I got my hair cut 45 days ago. Will you make it like 45 days ago?"
"Exactly 45 days ago, sir."

Tutor

2007-11-10T14:13:21Z

My sister called me the other day, and asked me to tutor physics, math, and English to her daughter, Hikaru.

So, Hikaru visited me this afternoon, and I offered her an English lesson. ME TEACH ENGLISH!! Hahahahaha.

First of all, I had to make her confident in herself. So, I showed her a video clip from an American movie without Japanese subtitles that she would understand everything.

Click here to watch the clip.

"OK, Hikaru, you liked it, didn't you?"
"Yes, Uncle Masayuki. But he didn't speak at all."
"No. But he is an American, and you read no Japanese subtitles, and you enjoyed it."
"Right."
"AHA! Now, you know that you don't have to speak the language to make someone happy and tell something to others. Be interesting before intellect."
"Are you sure you want to teach me English?"
"Of course, yes. You will know what I mean soon or later."
"OK. By the way, I enjoyed the clip, but didn't understand it very much. What is typewriter."

SHE HAS NEVER SEEN TYPEWRITERS.

Make him sexy - advice column

2007-11-04T05:45:45Z

A translation from my Japanese column.

Dear M.N.,
I'm sure that my husband is dating with his secretary. He is cheating on me. I need your help! Advise me how I can handle the situation.
Depressed in Tokyo

Dear Depressed,
Make him more attractive. Be his fashion coordinator. Make him seductive. Get him some nice neckties. Polish his nails.

Trust me I know what I'm talking about.

Make him sexy enough so that his girlfriend would notice his changes. It would make him remember you and he would feel guilty when she said, "You have a nice tie."
M.N.

*** a couple of weeks later, she wrote me again ***

Dear M.N.,
My daughter and I trimmed my husband's eyebrows while he was sleeping in a sofa. He jumped out of the sofa, and complained about it, but we had a happy time and he looks much better now. Are you sure this is what I should do? I'm not really sure.
Still depressed in Tokyo

Dear Still,
Go on and on and on! Get him a nice necktie! Polish his nails. Change his hairstyle!
M.N.

*** Three months later, she wrote me the third time ***

Dear M.N.,
My husband has become quite sexy, and he is very gentle with me now. We go out almost every weekend, and I feel like we are newlywed.My heart still hurts, but I feel much better. I learned jealous does not solve any problems.

Lastly, I have one more question to ask, M.N. Why can you get married? Why are you unlucky in love all the time?
Not really depressed

Dear Not,
That's none of your business.
M.N.

Go Dutch - advice column

2007-11-01T14:32:24Z

A translation from my Japanese column.

Dear M.N.,
My girl friend is a call-girl, and she makes ten times as much money as I make. Whenever we go out, she pays for everything, but I want to go Dutch. Any idea?
Dutchman

Dear Dutchman,
She doesn't want to feel like you are a customer. Let her pay.
M.N.

Cats

2007-10-16T15:57:01Z

1 lb = 453grams = 0.453 kg

I listen to ....

2007-10-09T13:58:34Z

I listen to Mozart's operas and become an opera singer when I drive by myself.
I also listen to his concerti in the morning.
At night? Sure, Mozart again.
Mozart all the time.

Bach was God of music.
Beethoven was dead serious about music.
Mozart made fun out of music.

I tell you...I'm one of the best LISTENERS of Mozart.
You can't beat me.

Being perfect - advice column

2007-10-04T14:03:07Z

A translation from my Japanese column.

Dear M.N.,
My parents have kept telling me to behave like my little sister. She is always perfect, and I am not. I have been always a good example of what not to do for her. Do you think I will find a girl who loves a man like me?
Wanna-be-Perfect

Dear Wanna-be-Perfect,
I know a very nice girl who has a "perfect" brother. He is smart, good-looking, decent, lovable, and handsomely paid. She is so proud of him. Well, after eating out with this girl, I learned that she always compared me with her brother. I had no contest.

In this sense, your sister must have low tolerance for her boyfriend, because any man looks better than you. In other words, she should be really careful when she finds her partner.

On the other hand, you are in the same situation as the girl who lost the golden opportunity to be my girlfriend. Sorry, your life will be as miserable as that girl!!!

M.N.

Age

2007-09-28T12:23:14Z

My mother, who died twelve years ago at the age of sixty-two, always said "I'm twenty-three." even in her last years.

One day she went to a dentist, and was asked to fill her profile. On the way home from the dentist, she realized that she put "twenty-three" for her age. She returned to the dentist, and asked the dentist's secretary to correct her age, from twenty-three to sixty-one.

I'm her son, but I'm much modest, so I've been twenty-eight for more than ten years, and I'm still twenty-eight.

By the way, I have an advice column like "Dear Ann Landers" on the Internet.(It's in Japanese). Here's the translation of my column yesterday:

Dear M.N,
I'm a fifty-year-old single woman who has been looking for a nice and sexy boy friend. And I think I've finally found my right man, that is YOU, M.N! Will you be my boy friend? You should give me a good reason if you couldn't be my lover. Oh, no, never give me such an excuse like I'm too old for you.
Woman in Love.

Dear Woman in Love,
NO, I can't be your boy friend, not because of your age, but because the only thing I know about you is YOUR AGE.
M.N

Chinese take-out, and a dance

2007-09-22T15:19:06Z

I had a "family dinner" tonight with my sister's and brother's families. It was Chinese take-out with twelve take-out boxes. That was too much food. Oh, I am still full.

As a host of the family dinner party, I had to entertain the guests. It is a law, you know. So, I danced for them. It was a dance from "Fiddler on the roof".

Tevye, a milkman, sings "If I were rich man", and his song and dance always touch my heart when I see it, and I wanted my nieces and nephew to know how great the musical really is.

However, the kids didn't like my dance. Here are some of their comments:

"Crazy!"
"Would you be quiet and sit down? I want to watch this TV show."
"I have no comment."
"Can I have some more ice cream?"
"Me, too!"

Oh, well, I believe that my dance was as good as Topol's. Look at Topol's dance starting at 3:16(2:24 from the begining) below:

Have a good night!

Typhoon

2007-09-06T12:43:39Z

A typhoon is about to strike Tokyo within six hours. So, a good boy like me should stay at home --- no dining out, no parties, and no clubs tonight.

I shopped at a super market on the way home from my office, and got some potato chips and a bottle of green tea. That's enough to spend a long night by myself.

Why two bags of potato chips? Well, I picked up the big one first, but I realized it is too big. There're too many calories and salt. So, I picked up the small one.

Wow, the wind and rain are getting stronger, and I've just finished the small bag.

Malay restaurant

2007-08-21T14:53:53Z

I went to a Malay restaurant this evening, as a gourmet reporter. There are many good "local" restaurants from all over the world in Tokyo, and "Malaychan" is one of them.

The owner is a very nice Japanese lady who not only runs the restaurant, but also helps exchange students from Malaysia. The restaurant is HALAL certified, so many Muslims have dinner there.

Malay food has been influenced by the long-ago traders from neighboring countries, such as Indonesia, India, the Middle East, and China. So, each dish has its origin of the country. As the lady explained each dish to me, she asked a customer from Malaysia as follows:

The lady : "Is this Chinese?"
The Malay : "Yes, it is."
The lady : "This must be Indonesian."
The Malay : "No, it is also Chinese."
Me : "How about sushi?"
The lady : "......."
The Malay : "......"
Me : "Oh, I know! That's Japanese!"
People in the restaurant : <laugh>

I had a very pleasant evening.

It was a hot but fun day.

2007-08-20T13:25:20Z

We had another hot day today here in Tokyo. The temperature reached almost 36 degrees C(about 96 degrees F).

We have about 40 server computers in our office, and they release a lot of heat, as you can imagine. The server room is air-conditioned, but it was not enough for today. We needed to cool down the room further.

So, I went to a super market, and got a plastic sheet, and made an air duct as shown in the pictures. I placed the air duct from the cool room to the server room with electric fans at both ends. The picture on the left is the intake, and that of right is the server room . The air duct is about 10meters(11 yards) long.

HAHAHAHAHA! It is like a joke, but I enjoyed making it worked. I had such a fun day.

She needs me

2007-08-18T14:01:31Z

My sister has a 15 year-old daughter, Hikaru. She visited me this afternoon, and had dinner, indoor barbecue, together.

I guess she is a typical Japanese school girl in her age. She goes to concert every two months or so, wants a lot of nice dresses, has her own cell phone, exchanges emails with her friends more than 20 times a day, and so on.

I guess her parents give her an allowance of about $100 a month, but her phone bill is $40, and she still wants dresses. The concert ticket she wants to go next month costs her another $70. Thus she needs some more money.

Yes, this is the reason why she visited me this afternoon! And she returned home with a big smile.

Cotton candy and homework

2007-08-12T13:39:55Z

My brother, his wife and their son visited me today. My nephew, Reiji, is 5 years old, and he is one of the smartest kids I've ever met.

Reiji and I went to a toy shop, and got this cotton candy maker. My parents bought me something just like this 35 years ago, so I knew he would enjoy the machine very very very much.

I gave him a homework.

"Reiji, take this machine home, and make cotton candy, and freeze it. Report the result next time when you see me."

"You should marry a woman like her"

2007-08-11T15:29:39Z

I went to a play, "You Should Marry a Woman Like Her"(Tsuma-wo metoraba) It is a story based on the life of a poet, Akiko Yosano, who lived in the early 20th century in Japan. Her husband Tekkan was also a poet, but he soon realized that Akiko was much more talented, and he decided to concentrate his energies on helping her.

The picture was taken in the dressing room. These three ladies were in the play. The girl on the left is Tomomi, a very good friend of mine.

Tomboy Tomomi and I had dinner after the play. She always eats a lot, and talks a lot. Here's some conversation between us tonight:

"I sometimes get depressed, because being an actress is so unstable, and I'm already 31."
"No kidding!"
"I'm quite serious!"
"OK, then, how long did you get depressed last time?"
"Well, let me see .... a couple of days."
"You are a liar!"
"..... a day ..."
"You are still a liar!"
"... a half-day, maybe"
"Got to be less than 30 minutes!!!!"

My dog?

2007-08-10T12:48:30Z

It was 6 years ago. My oldest niece Hikaru, who was 9 years old, asked me if I could get a dog for her.

"Uncle Masayuki, I really love dogs, and I want to take a walk with my dog! Will you get me a dog, please?!"
"Sure! But I know you can't have dogs at your apartment."
"I know. So, have MY dog at your home, and I will take care of the dog."

So, we went to a pet shop. There were many puppies, and Hikaru liked one of the Labrador Retrievers. She named the dog "Ai".

Ai seemd very smart. Most of the seeing eye dogs in Japan are Labrador Retrievers. So, I asked Hikaru.

"What if Ai was taken to the organization to be trained as a seeing eye dog?"
"Uncle Masayuki! Be rational! If Ai were that smart, wouldn't the pet shop sell her at that price?"

Ai has been in my house for six years, and Hikaru SOMETIMES visits Ai, and shampoos her, brushes her, etc.... but only sometimes. So, Ai is practically my dog.

$10

2007-08-06T13:09:44Z

Dear MozartJpn,
I loaned $10 to a good friend of mine a few months ago. But I haven't gotten the money back, yet. Is there any nice way to ask him for my money back?
Poor

Dear Poor,
Just ask! Or borrow $15, and give him $5 back, and explain that he borrowed $10 from you a few months ago.
MozartJpn

Speak Like Harpo

2007-08-05T17:25:33Z

About a month ago, I went to a bookstore in Kanda, Tokyo.
Kanda is a district with a lot of bookstores, and it's been my favorite place since I was a teenager.

I bought a book by Richard P. Feynman there. The book,"Don't you have time to think", is a collection of his letters, with some comments by his daughter, Michelle. It seemed a fun book, and I just couldn't wait to get home and read it. So I stopped by McDonald's in Kanda, and started reading the book.

I enjoyed it so much. While reading, I smiled and giggled a lot. Then someone asked me in English, "What's so funny?" I stopped reading and looked at the next table. There was such a beautiful girl.

She was from US, and worked as a fashion model here in Tokyo. There are many American, European fashion models in this country. Cameron Diaz, for example, worked in Tokyo as a model.

The girl and I had a nice chat for a while, and she asked me how I learned English.

"Well, I learned it by watching the Marx brothers movies. 'A Night at the Opera' is my favorite."

She got a kick out of that a Japanese learnt the language by watching American comedy classic! Then I continued.

"So, whenever I don't know how to express things in English, I honk, like Harpo did. Honk, honk! You know this is the best way to learn the language!"

Chipped ice

2007-08-05T12:30:16Z

One of my nieces visited me this afternoon. She is nine-year-old Akane.
I asked her...

"What's your third most favorite food?"
"Why the third? Why don't you ask me the most favorite food?"
"Because it is just fun! Answer my question!"

Her answer was strawberry cakes. So, we headed for a cake shop.
As we got into my car, I screamed

"Heeeee Hooooo!!!!"

She stared at me, and giggled. Well, she thinks she has such a crazy uncle.
Again, I asked her if she really would like to eat strawberry cake.

"Well, I rather want chipped ice with strawberry syrup."

So, we headed for a super market, instead. I told her we would get a chipped ice maker, so that she and her two sisters and a brother would enjoy the ice at home anytime.

I become an opera singer when I drive along, and I become anime characters when I drive with my nieces or nephew. Akane really enjoyed my anime voices.

"Hey, Akane, I got a very good idea! Take this home , and serve chipped ice to your sisters and brother, and charge 20 yen(about 20 US cents) for each bowl of ice."
"why!? They are my sisters and brother. I don't want them to pay for it"
"Charge and save the money to get some more syrup. So, you all will be able to eat the ice with syrup forever."

It was a fun afternoon.

Busy day

2007-08-02T14:33:51Z

I woke up at 5, and left home at 5:30 for Tokyo station to catch a 6:40 train to Osaka. Osaka is about 500km west of Tokyo. I had a business meeting there from 10 to 12, and then left Osaka for Nagoya, which is located between Tokyo and Osaka. There, again , had a business meeting from 15 to 16. Then got home by 20:30. Total traveled : 1100km(690 miles)

In Osaka, I proposed a new Internet service to a toy company. Obviously, they were not interested in my idea.

In Nagoya, I proposed a media-mixed TV show to a television network. They said that they wouldn't have enough money to make the show.